Ephesians 5:25 – PaulThompsonBlog

Of all the instructions in the New Testament about marriage, no where is a wife commanded to “love her husband.” It would be wrong for a wife not to love her husband, but we only find the command verbalized to men. Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives…”

For a man to neglect his duty of loving his wife is first a dishonorable act against God. But, not only is it dishonorable to God, it is disruptive to his wife, it causes confusion in the home, and it leaves the Lord’s church anemic, powerless.

I recently read an updated version of William Gouge’s book, Building a Godly Home. In it, William Gouge examined the duties of men and women in the marriage. This powerful exhortation was an influence on my message Sunday night at the Southern Idaho Bible Lecture Series hosted at Eastside Baptist Church.

It’s important that men hear this and hear this often. Husbands, love your wives. Be watchful over your household, men. Have a high minded view of your wife, not a worshiping view, an affectionate view. She has a role of submission, give long-suffering affection as one equal in many respects, but in her state of office, subordinate.

A corrupt view of this is for a husband to think of his wife as second in class or inferior in status. It is neither. It is one of duty. A wife has a duty, a husband has a duty, children have a duty. These duties are not about chores, they are more about affection for the other and the duty each has before God. If affection is absent from a husband toward his wife he will likely give his affection to another.

Here are some practical ways husband can show their love to their wives.

Husband, you must be kind and thoughtful to your wife. Not effeminate, because you are masculine. Not brutish, because she is feminine.
Husband, you must be courteous to your wife. Say thank you and please, often.
Husband, you must reject being aloof. Be personal and engaging. look your wife in the eyes when you talk to her.
Husband, you must be humble. Not fake and patronizing, genuinely humble.
Husband, consider your wife first. She must get your first, best and engaging time.
Husband, you must not lord over your wife with unfair demands and strictness.
Husband, encourage your wife in good things.
Husband, don’t discourage your wife with ingratitude.
Husband, instruct your wife in private and exhort her in public.
Husband, give helpful instruction to your wife. Don’t shy away from addressing your wife about her clothing and presentation. She may need to hear from you that she is showing too much sensual skin. She may need to know from you that her Facebook profile picture is too sultry and inviting. She may need to be talked to about how she interacts with others in her social practices.
Husband, don’t make your wife go to many social events without you. If at all possible help meet her social needs with you present.
Husband, treat your wife with respect.

I like to put it this way: No other man gets the chance to win my wife’s heart, no one.

There are more intelligent men than me, but no other man gets a chance to win her heart with his intelligence. There may be funnier men than me, she may laugh with others but no man gets a chance to win my wife with laughter. There are surely more romantic men than me, but no man, in real life or fiction, will overtake my wife with romance. There are kind men all around, but no man wins her heart because he’s more kind than me toward her. There are generous men around her, but no generosity is greater than mine toward her. There are poetic men, but no poet wins her.

Because I’m commanded to love her, I put my best attention toward her in this matter. That means, I’m the most romantic book she’s ever read, I’m more generous toward her than anyone she knows, I strive to cause laughter and joy in conversation and experiences in life, I’m the poet who woes her with roses and violets.

Husbands, provide for your wife. Provide for her spiritually, emotionally, socially, mentally, and physically.

You do this til you die! Now, go love your wife.

“Husbands, love your wives…” (Eph 5:25 NASB)

This is a command from Holy Scripture. The beautiful thing is that Scripture not only describes duty, it also give us illustration. The duty of loving your wife is such a high command, but the illustration of how to do it seems impossible. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her…”

The illustration of how to do this is as much a part of the command to do it.

How does a fallen soul rise to the call of duty to love like this? He must look to his Redeemer. Look further in the text. In verse 28 there is another interesting command “husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies.” This is the second great commandment “love your neighbor as yourself.”

This is possible only with help. We are by (fallen) nature, selfish and interested only in ourselves. To love another as you do yourself is nearly impossible because of our selfish (fallen) nature. To love your wife as your own body should, at the least, be slightly easier. But if we don’t understand the supernatural act of becoming one flesh in marriage, husbands won’t understand our duty to love like Christ loved as the most romantic thing we can do for our wives.

But remember, romance is not our aim.

Rejoice in every heart warming moment you have with your wife, but know that loving your wife displays the glory of God to your wife, your children, your neighbor, your church family, the nations. It is essentially a gospel work. Not to be confused with speaking the gospel, preaching repentance, or missionary advancement of the gospel banner to nations and language groups. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

In his book, Domesticall Duties, William Gouge (1578-1653) provides the best marriage handbook I’ve ever read.

Here is a short excerpt from the chapter, “Husband’s Providing for His Wife.” (updated and edited by Joel Beeke and Scott Brown)

Neglecting to Maintain Their Wife
The lawless carelessness of husbands, who care no more to help and assist their wives than any other person, works against this.

Some more fear to offend their wives than they care to do them good, and in that respect they let any sort of people come to their wives that are welcome to them. If magistrates in a nation shall answer for allowing seditious men to come into their dominions to deceive their people, much more shall husbands answer for allowing them to come and deceive their wives, for several reasons. First, they have a greater responsibility for their wives than magistrates for their people. Secondly, wives ought to be dearer to husbands than people to magistrates. Thirdly, because they may sooner see them them in their house than magistrates in the nation. Fourthly, because they may be much more easily kept out of a house than out of a nation or a city.
Others do not care where their wives wander, and if they do go out of their house, they shall never be sought after by their husbands. Though this may be a just punishment on wandering wives, yet it is not just for husbands so to deal with them. If Christ our Husband should so deal with us, we should soon be lost, for we often go astray like wandering sheep, but He is that good shepherd, who seeks after the lost sheep until He finds it.
No wonder then that many husbands are no more affected with the bad reports and rumors raised against their wives, when they so little regard who come to them, or where they go. Assuredly the dishonor of a wife will turn to the man’s dishonor, for as “a virtuous wife is a crown to her husband,” so by the rule of contraries, and infamous wife is a shame to her husband. If therefore not for his wife’s sake, for his own sake a man ought not to carelessly pass over the bad reports which are raised against his wife.

(from pages 254-255 Building a Godly Home; A Holy Vision for a Happy Marriage, William Gouge – edited by Joel Beeke and Scott Brown)

I recommend this book to every married man, about to be married man, and every man thinking about being married some day. It not only speaks to husbands, but also to wives. My next step will be to read this with Renee and our sons and their wives. It’s that good. Really.

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